A while back I was feeling particularly guilty and worthless because I wasn’t doing anything for the ‘poorest of the poor.’ I wasn’t doing enough for others.
When these feelings arise I know I’m in an old pattern that goes something like this. I want to do something big. (Some fame attached to this) Just picking up garbage or smiling at a cashier isn’t good enough. I have to do something big to fill up the big hole of unworthiness that I feel. My belief is that if I just accomplish something, dosomething, like Mother Theresa, then I will have earned my right to be here, to be a citizen, to be a human being. Then, I will be loveable. I have named this persona “Worthless Wanda.” Of course, no matter what I do, more will always be required. The hole is an endless pit and trying to fill it up is unhelpful.
The hole needs to heal over. It requires the balm of kindness and compassion. So, I recently spent all my meditation time doing Loving Kindness practice for myself. At first nothing was happening. Day after day, week, after week, I sent loving kindness to myself.
Then, one day I added up everything I am doing, especially in light of taking care of my mom who is 93 year old, (I’m an only child) and my support of our meditation teacher, and work in the Sangha, and taking a leadership role in another group to read and discuss a timely and inspiring book. Anyway, the loving kindness helped me to value what I am doing, instead of dismissing it as unimportant or insignificant. I feel differently now about myself and about what I am doing.
This doesn’t mean that Worthless Wanda is gone for good. No, she will knock on my door again with pamphlets from the church of self-sacrifice containing ‘shoulds’ and expectations. I will tell her, “I see you Wanda, but I’m sorry, I can’t stay for tea. I must run.” Then, I’ll head straight to my meditation chair for metta practice.
l think this practice will lead to more compassion for myself and others. Who knows what effect that will have.
With metta,
Carol Kavanagh