Quite possibly the only thing I and the guy sitting at the end of the bench agree on is that we don’t like each other. We think the other is a jerk. We think the other is a puck hog, a glory hound, gets praise they don’t deserve, and everyone would be better off if they were traded to a different team.

And it doesn’t matter even a little when we’re sent on the field together. We’re going to do our best to help each other score a goal, or defend against the opponent’s rush, because in the end we win or lose as a team.

This is the metta that I turn to when I need to find loving kindness for someone who I find annoying or worse, who just cut me off in traffic or is in my face looking for a fight, who received something I think should be mine or perhaps simply wish was mine.  I take a second to  picture that person sitting at the end of the bench, geared up and wearing the same team jersey I have on, and realize that we’re on the same team in the game of life.

A lifetime of habit kicks in, and invariably my anger calms, my outrage or sense of unfairness dissipates; its as if we were on the playing field together, where it doesn’t matter who scores because goals are credited to the whole team. And it becomes my job to figure out what play this person is trying to make, what goal they’re trying to score, and that we are standing on the sidewalk rather than on some playing field is an insignificant detail. It becomes my job as their teammate in humanity to listen to them, to see what goal they’re consciously or unconsciously trying to score, to sense what they need to get there. I may not succeed – in fact I probably won’t. Their lives are complex, and even in the much simpler world of a play in sport most attempts to score fail. That’s okay, its still my job to try my best.

Everyone finds the metta that works best for them when dealing with difficult encounters. I’ve tried a number, starting with the standard “May you be happy, may you be well”, to picturing the person as a child. Those I find work very well with people I’m close to, and over the last couple of years have begun to work even with those I feel neutral towards. But when dealing with strangers in a tense situation, what works for me is to remind myself, “We’re on the same team.”  This is especially true when I’ve been physically attacked (a not uncommon occurrence in some of the volunteer work I’ve done); restraining a team mate who’s lost their temper is a very different mental situation than defending myself against an aggressive stranger.

Life’s metaphors are very individual, very personal, and I’m sure mine won’t work for most others. But I’d bet a great deal that most can find their life at least one metta which instinctively leads to loving kindness towards strangers momentarily working against us or even trying to hurt us. Dealing with long term hostility is harder, but I’ve been told its a continuation of the same practice.

Luckily life is full of little chances to practice and get better.  We fail, we get up and try again.

What could be simpler?

~ Olaf262

Sharon encouraged us to seek a loving kindness phrase that is meaningful to each of us.  The phrases she presented are all useful but I do like the idea of exploring others.

A couple of days a friend posted a story on Facebook.  The story involves a traveler who observes a father and daughter exchange the blessing, “May you have enough.” In a subsequent discussion with the father the traveler learns what the phrase means to the man and his daughter.

In trying on this phrase I am seeing another way to approach our search for loving kindness, compassion and relief of suffering.

May you have enough food to sustain and nourish your body.  May you have enough shelter to protect you.  May you have enough companionship to strengthen your heart.  May you have enough contact with new ideas to stimulate your mind.  May you have enough connection with the good in the  world to find joy.

The concept of enough suggests to me a way to keep oneself grounded.  To not strive greedily.

The story also opened up what it is that we might wish for ourselves and maybe others.  Working with the concept that it is not only our sense of joy but our connection with suffering that opens us to the potential of compassion there may be another series of “enough” to contemplate.  In my understanding of the story of the Buddha he only became capable of becoming fully compassionate after he encountered and lived in the suffering of others and of himself.

In the spirit of recognizing that we all experience loss and pain and it is our reaction to those universal experiences that determines how much we suffer do the following phrases make sense.  Or do they sound cruel and without compassion.

May you experience enough pain to feel compassion for yourself and others.  May you experience enough fear to understand the darkness.  May you experience enough loss to cherish what you have.

I thank the universe
for taking
everything it has taken
and giving to me
everything it is giving

Balance by Rupi Kaur

Rene

I love the practice of metta. Several years ago, when facing health concerns, one of the teachers who comes fairly regularly the retreats at our sangha, suggested that I use metta for me as my primary practice.

At first I struggled with this idea because, up to that point I had found it easier to provide loving kindness to everyone but myself. After that, each day when sitting, I committed to practicing metta for myself. Initially I had trouble as the phrases seemed to get silently caught in my throat, or I would quickly gloss over them, not really focusing on the intent. Little by little over the weeks, it became easier. the phrases… may I be safe, healthy, happy and at ease seemed to pop up whenever feelings of anxiety or fear arose.

When facing new situations, I would take a few seconds to center myself and focus on the phrases. Once that happened I could walk confidently into the situation knowing I would be okay. The intent had been set.

I continue to practice metta on a regular basis. Mostly I focus on my self, but the practice has seeped into the rest of my world. I work with people who are returning to work after illness or injury. My clients could be off work for as long as 3 years. They are generally frightened, worried, anxious and often still unwell. I negotiate their return to work plans with health care providers and employers.

When I first meet my clients, before entering the interview room, I focus on metta for me. This helps me stay focused on the client and their situation and not get swept up with my own feelings. When the interview is winding down, I silently send metta to my client… may you be safe, healthy, happy and at ease. When meeting with employers to set up the return to work details, again metta is a part of the process. At gatherings with friends and family, metta plays a roll. When shopping I practice metta when standing in line – I don’t know the cashiers or clerks but I wish them well.

For me, metta is a part of my daily life. It starts with my morning sit and spreads like a warm blanket on the rest of my world throughout the day. It has become something like Charlie Brown’s security blanket. What a gift this simple practice has become. I am truly blessed.

~ Mars

Sharon’s teaching “Seeing the Good” on Day 22 tells us that

This week’s meditations are based on our ability to nurture and grow an orientation of goodwill, inclusiveness, and connection. We will relate to ourselves in a different way, remembering our strengths and capacity to care…

we can consciously shift our attention to include the good within ourselves and so too when we look at others…

Everybody wants the same sense of belonging, feeling at home in this body, this mind, this life,
but ignorance is a very strong force.
(emphasis added)

If this was a test these past few days, I haven’t done too well. Badly, in fact. Not overtly but too often in my thoughts.

And I’m pretty sure it’s because a (temporary) sense of low self-esteem has not only been expressed in self-judgement but often in how I’ve seen others. ‘Seen’ isn’t the right word, though; but simply a harsh judgement of others actions, appearances, words.

So, yes, ignorance is a strong force. But so are the immediately felt senses of guilt, self-recrimination, and (thankfully) awareness. And, increasingly, I see and understand my ignorance — and hopefully also try to overcome it and think and act differently. Towards myself as much as to others.

I’ve never once heard someone say, “things are really lousy, but I got a chance to really devastate someone today, deliver some choice barbs, some personal attacks, some baseless innuendo and ruin their day, perhaps even their career. Boy, I feel great.” …
When confronted with misplaced rage, the proper response is not to point out the misplaced part. It’s to acknowledge the rage part.
One big reason that vilification occurs is that the angry person feels as though not enough attention or sympathy is being paid.
Seth Godin, in The False Solace of Vilification

with mettā,
Rod